International Cake Day, celebrated every November 26, is preparing us for our national day of pumpkin-flavored gluttony/genocide.
The first iterations of the cake date back to ancient Egypt, when unleavened bread was baked on a hot stone and offered to the deities, a practice that serves as a precursor to the birthday cakes we consume, crave and openly pollute today.
In ancient Greece, worshipers of Artemis, goddess of the hunt, wild animals and the moon, would bring moon cakes to her temple, studying the cakes by lit candles in an attempt to imitate the high glow of the full moon.
Throughout the Middle Ages, cake became a staple of the wealthy, a class divide made infamous by Queen Marie Antoinette of the Scorpion’s fanciful suggestion that the starving French populace “eat cake” if they couldn’t find bread.
Rude.
The advent of the Industrial Revolution leveled (dried?) the pastry playing field, making sweets accessible to all walks of life, not just the wealthy.
Because the internet fuels strife and unrealistic expectations, we can’t have niceties to explain the appeal of #CakeGate
According to the part and signs, read on to learn more.
Red Velvet Cake
Aries is ruled by blood-drenching, bold-moving, fire-breathing Mars, and the strong color of these power players is arterial red, making this classic cake a fitting choice for this fire sign. Aries is the sign of conflict, and during the whack or two of World War I and the Great Depression, bakers short of milk rations began dousing their cakes with beetroot juice to turn the dough red.
Runner-up for Aries Cake goes to this “I’m Sorry I Tasted You” Apology Cake.
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Black forest cake
As an earth sign ruled by Venus, Taurus is prone to an “excess is best” ethos, a belief system baked into the Black Forest cake, a super-rich chocolate cake (Taurus hates poor people) filled with cherries (a fruit of Venus) traditionally. served with a glass of kirsch poured over each slice.
Are you drunk on decadence and pre-diet death? A fitting epitaph for Taurus people.
Hummingbird cake
Gemini is ruled by Mercury, the planet of the mind that never shuts up, can’t stand still, spins stories and spreads propaganda. Gemini energy is perhaps best encapsulated in the high-voltage BPM, quickly pollinating and running away from the hummingbird’s fast energy. Hummingbird is also Jamaica’s national bird and the name of this recipe, which was developed in the late 60’s by the Jamaican tourist board to promote/promote the flavors of the island.
Gemini is the sign of duality, and as Epicurious reports, “Hummingbird Sweetness stands as a star example of how Jamaica wanted others to see her in contrast to her actual reality.”
Strawberry Shortcake/Troll Cake
Cancer is a sign synonymous with home and the traditions it fosters. The origins of strawberry shortcake and dessert are distinctly American, adapted from the baking practices of indigenous peoples who mixed strawberries and other fruits into cornmeal to make the earliest iterations of strawberry shortcake.
When it comes to trends, Cancers, the sentimental cowards that they are, are definitely guilty of the tradition of saving wedding cakes for decades. If Cancer were a viral food trend, they would absolutely be Troll Cakes Bakery and Detective Agency, a firm that specializes in turning nasty internet comments into cake decorating and delivering it back and forth. ripe for responsible hatemongers.
Make truckers face their mistakes and eat their words? Pure poetry for the crab contingent.
Confetti cake
As Leo supremo Julia Childs reminds us, “A party without a cake is just a date,” and a cake without sprinkles is a resignation to mediocrity.
Leos will not tolerate either.
Funfetti lets the world know and the office party knows you’re here for a good time and ready to share. You eat finger cream and can always be persuaded to have a drink before noon. Apropos of Leo who rules the fifth house of pleasure and play; Confetti cake is a real party in a box and a portable medicine for good times.
Astrology 101: Your Guide to the Star
Angel food cake
Virgo is represented by Virgo, and although these sexual deviants are by no means pure, they are puritanical in their standards. Angel Food cake batter requires sifted flour and egg whites to be beaten to a precise degree of perfection in order to be reborn/baked as a cake fit for the divine, towering over her lessers with a low calorie footprint. and a smug, ethereal texture.
Pound cake
Libra is represented by the scales and balances of justice, and the pound cake does well in precise measurements. Requiring a pound of sugar, a pound of flour, a pound of eggs, and a pound of butter, the cake is as delightful and light as a Libra at a wedding reception.
Geode cake
Scorpio oversees all that lies beneath: secrets, underground crime dens, sewers and energy crystals. The geode cake celebrates the sacred beneath and, in keeping with a sign that rules the genitals, looks remarkably like a vagina.
Second place goes to this vasectomy cake and this whimsical pasty likeness of the illustrious Scorpio King Charles.
Funnel cake
Sagittarius is the sign of good times, good vibes, danger, excess, travel, freedom and spirituality. In nature, the funnel cake symbolizes the carnival that comes to town, bringing with it cool rides, gambling, the smell of motor oil and fried fun.
Add to the mix that funnel cakes came to our shores under the heavy wool and in the hopeful hearts of Pennsylvania Dutch who fled their European homes to escape religious persecution.
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Devil’s Food Cake
In the Major Arcana of the tarot, the Capricorn is represented by the quarreling naked servant, the cloven hoof striking the Devil card, and this is the name cake of the dark lord. Named for its dark chocolate decadence and tasting so good it should be a sin, the Devil’s Food Cake speaks to the soul of the hard-working, rich-living ibex who likes to skirt the course of debauchery.
Ice cream cake
Joyless detractors of ice cream cake argue that it is challenging to make, difficult to store, and a pain to cut. Cold and difficult themselves, Aquarius is the sign of innovation and technology, including but not limited to deep freezers, hybrids of all kinds, and sex with robots.
No wonder Sylvia Weinstock, the “da Vinci of wedding cakes” who pioneered multi-level art and edible art, was a card-carrying Aquarius.
Pineapple Upside Down Cake
Pisces is the Pineapple Upside Down Cake because no matter the occasion or the preparation, a Pineapple Upside Down Cake invariably looks a little drunk and/or absolutely falling apart. The unnatural color scheme of electric yellow and hideous red conspire to remind me of a clown coming off MDMA in the midday sun. Yum.
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and reports irreverently on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. To book a reading, visit her website.
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